One of the most inappropriate comments that is made, usually with all good intentions, is the statement, "I know how you feel." Somehow we think that if we have gone through a similar or even identical experience as someone else we know how they feel. So if you have cancer and I have or had cancer I can immediately say that I know how you feel. The cancer becomes a shortcut. You lost your job and I did too - " I know how you feel."
When I worked in a hospital we would have volunteers come in who had experienced breast cancer and were there to help breast cancer patients. One of the first things I would tell them is to not say that they knew how someone felt. Not only is that not automatically true I would tell them, the saying of that statement often times actually minimizes what the other person is experiencing and blocks developing a relationship where you might actually have some idea of what is going on with that person. I would tell them the only thing they "knew" for sure is how they felt when they went through it. They could share what they felt and what they did as they went through it but if they wanted to know what the other person was feeling they were going to have to listen.
We need to be listened to and we need to listen to others and get away from always fixing them. How many times have you shared a story of something you were going through and the person you were sharing it with immediately shared a story of an aunt or friend who went through it or something they went through that was similar. They're not listening to you anymore. It happens all the time.
The important statement and one which is actually demonstrated much better than spoken is, "I don't KNOW how you feel, but I CARE how you feel." Relationships take time. Don't use an event as a shortcut. Be willing to listen. Don't assume the other person is in the same place you were when you went through it.
The other side of this coin is that this means you don't have to have gone through the exact same experience to be able to be of help to a person. Some people do that to themselves. "You can't help me unless you've gone through the same experience." If somebody does that, it's them blocking the development of the relationship not you. And don't do that to yourself. "I can't help her because I never lost a child." I have helped people who were dying, or who had lost a child, or who were dealing with an illness I never had. We help each other by caring. . . caring enough to listen, to support, and even to challenge sometimes. The actual building of the relationship helps much more than some great insight or magic bullet. Take the time. Don't assume and don't rule yourself out as a helper.
The line I would often use in the hospital with patients was, "I can't feel what you're feeling but I care what you're feeling and I'll get on the road with you as best as I can." Maybe we'll laugh, maybe we'll cry and maybe we'll get lost on this road but we will be together. And if I"m holding your hand, your holding mine. So we're helping each other." I've always liked that image of being on the road with each other. We earn it though by taking the time and listening.
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