A woman's fight for herself - Some thoughts and a poem

I wanted to share a poem I wrote many years ago about a young woman, Robin, who was very sick and eventually died from cancer. When I first met her in the hospital I could tell that she was thinking about suicide so , I think to her surprise, I said that I thought she was thinking about killing herself. She said very quickly and very defensively, "Why not? While I can still do it and save myself a lot of misery." I think she expected me to say that she didn't really want to do that or to somehow argue that it was wrong or whatever. All I said was that yeah I could understand that logic but that though her prognosis was pretty bad her present state wasn't that bad so she had a little time before following through with that thought. And that maybe we could just talk about what was going on with her.(She eventually thanked me for my reaction.) As it turns out she was really down on herself. She thought she had been a failure in her life. She was only ( I think) in her 20s and she felt she hadn't done anything well. She had screwed up relationships and on and on. She had one failure story after another. Again I didn't argue with her.

I did challenge her though. We started looking at everything she could think of in her life and lo and behold we started finding some things that even she had to admit were pretty good. We started exploring the incredible relationships she had with her mother and step father. We looked at all the friends she had. Were they all really just stupid I joked? Maybe one or two you could write off, but she had to admit that maybe she had some qualities that drew people to her. We really formed a wonderful relationship. I never met anyone quite like her. She changed everything around. She lived her life like no one I had seen. As sick as she became, when I would go in to see her she radiated life. As she got to the end she knew that the end was near and accepted it. One of the doctors accused her of giving up and really tore into her. When I went to see her and told her I had heard what happened she just laughed. She said that he had ripped her a new one but that it was OK because he had problems with "failure" and she didn't consider dying a failure.

We had talked about camping during one visit. She said she loved it and I said I was a clutz when it came to camping. A couple of days after she died I came back to my office and sitting on my desk was a book about camping that she made sure I would get after she died. I still tear up just writing that. Robin was a wonder. Here is my poem to her

                                                                         ROBIN

She came to the end
with herself 
She fought for that 
She deserved it

Her body broke away
Slowly
Painfully
Relentlessly

But her eyes said "I'm here."
"I'm tired
but I'm here."

Early in the dying
was the question
Why not now?
Before I hurt 
Before I lose
So much
And know it.

But her eyes knew/ 
Not yet. 
There were questions,
Answers, 
Endings yet to be.

The voices in white said
"Try this - Try That."
Robin tried this 
Tried that

The voices in White said
"One more treatment." 
"One more drug."

Robin nodded
"Do what you have to. 
So will I."

The voices in white said/accused
"You're slacking off.
Try harder."

Robin sighed.
The voices in white 
Didn't see her. 
They saw her cells
They saw her cancer.
But they missed Robin

They couldn't cut Robin 
Probe Robin, Radiate Robin
Only cells.
So they weren't interested
In Robin
Only cells.

They should have looked.
Robin was there
Fighting for her life. 
Not her time -
Her life.

Longevity was not the issue.
The future was not the problem.
"Did I count?"
"Was I real?" 
Validation - The past 
They were the issues 
They were the problems.

The body retreated
from life 
But the spirit fought 
for answers.
"Did I feel?" "Did I matter?"

And still the voices in white kept coming
("Sorry about those side effects.")
And the pain kept coming
And the frustration kept coming

The answers to the past 
were not to be found 
in the past. 
The present kept intruding 
Often ugly. Always insistant

But the answers were there -
In the present 
Past the Pain, the frustration
The voices in white

They were found in a mother's 
presence. A father's support, 
A stranger's friendship.
But most of all In the search itself.

It seemed so simple 
There was only the present.
She loved in the present.
She was loved in the present
She mattered
She was real.

She came to the end
With herself
She fought for that
She deserved it.