Rainbows Happen: Thoughts on Living and Dying

Staying Sane in Crazy Times - Don't be "positive." Be strong!

One of the more annoying cliches that has arisen in the last few years is “just stay positive.” It has almost become a mantra for the mindless cheery. I’m not even sure what being “positive” means anymore. Just say happy words like love and puppies and blueberries? Being “positive,” whatever it might have originally meant, I think has degenerated into “all you have to do is think good thoughts and good things will happen.” In other words don’t use your brain to try and figure out what to do next. Just say the happy words and keep that smile on your face. Supposedly if you even acknowledge that the present situation is not very good you are just putting negativity out there. I have worked with people dealing with serious and sometimes terminal illnesses. I have actually heard people say to them that if they just stay positive they can beat anything. No you can’t. Sometimes you lose, period. Do you know anyone two hundred years old still walking around? I don’t. We go. Positive or not we go. If you have lost money during this economic downturn just being “positive” and saying happy words or mindless platitudes isn’t going to bring it back. Think about it this way. If you’re driving down the road and you hear some strange sounds coming out of your car are you just going to think happy thoughts or maybe you might take your car in for a check-up. 

Look, obviously I’m not saying that we should sit around and be as negative as we can, get depressed together, and spend most of our time complaining, though we do seem to like to do that in spite of the think positive movement. What I am saying is that we should not confuse this empty, mindless and baseless positive attitude schtick with an attitude that is truly positive because it is based on strength and in a belief in yourself. 

First we have to understand that a true attitude is like a philosophy of life. It is more than just words, it is a way of understanding how you define life and your relationship to it. Do you think there is a difference between somebody who says life is a bitch and at the end you die, and someone who says life is a grand adventure? I said that at one of my presentations and someone in the audience said, “Yeah. The person who says life is a grand adventure is either independently wealthy or stoned.” I responded that though that was a funny line it was a cynical line. I have been in hospital rooms with people who were dying and they had a better “attitude” than anyone else in the room. Their spirits were alive though their bodies were not doing very well. This was not about happy words. This was coming from a deep place within them. Some were religious and some were not, but there was a deep belief about themselves and life that helped them through this very difficult time. 

Jim Campbell in his wonderful book, “ Good to Great,” talks about James Stockdale who was the highest ranking officer held as a prisoner in North Vietnam. He was held for eight years. It was obviously a brutal situation. He did a lot of things to help his men keep their morale up and keep a sense of unity between them. When asked what the difference was between the people who “made it” and didn’t make it especially from a psychological point of view he responded that the ones who didn’t make it were the optimists. I love to say that in my talks because almost always there is a gasp and very puzzled looks in the audience. Obviously you have to define your words. For him the “optimists” were the ones who would say, “We’ll be out of here by Christmas.” When that didn’t happen they went to Easter and then Thanksgiving etc. He said they died of a broken heart. What they were actually doing was employing the empty minded optimism that I mentioned at the beginning of this article. They had no basis for their statements. It just sounded good. Eventually it collapsed on them. 

Stockdale was basically saying that he would not participate in that type of optimism.  He had no idea when they were getting out of there. He acknowledged that the situation was horrible but he was firm in his belief that he would not be defeated. He truly believed he would get out of there and that the way he handled that situation would define him for the rest of his life. He was constantly strategizing ways to stay in control. I also believe that if they had taken him out to shoot him one of his last thoughts would have been that they did not defeat him. This was not a “happy words” philosophy. This was a powerful belief in himself and in life. Collins calls this the Stockdale paradox - acknowledge the dire situation but believe that you have the resources to triumph. I don’t actually think that is a paradox. I do think it goes against the grain of the empty minded optimists, the think positive group. I think Stockdale’s approach is the only thing that makes sense. You have to acknowledge the situation before you can deal with it. Denying what is going on keeps you stuck. You can’t change it if you don’t see it or admit it.

If you are going to deal with this economic crisis successfully you must take the time to rethink how you look at yourself and how you look at life in general. Write down your strengths even the ones that don’t necessarily seem pertinent to the present situation. Write down other crises that you have weathered and analyze what you did that helped. Look at your bad habits or tendencies and develop strategies to offset them. For example if there are certain people you hang out with and you tend to just get miserable together either do something else with those people or don’t hang out with them anymore. Find some rituals for yourself that help you regain some inner peace, or courage, or inspiration. Your strategies might be very different from mine. Maybe you have a certain Bible quote you like or a poem or some Mozart. It doesn’t matter. If they help you use them. Define what a successful resolution to this situation looks like to you. Make sure you take the time to rekindle your spirit. I will go into this in more depth in other articles but it is not enough to merely survive. You have to find ways to thrive.

The Root Cause of Stress - Maybe Not What You Think

Dr.Rachel Remen wrote in her book My Grandfather's Blessings, "Perhaps the root cause of stress is not overbearing bosses, ill-behaved children, the breakdown of relationships. It is the loss of a sense of our soul. If so, all the ways in which we have attempted to ease stress cannot heal it at the deepest level. Stress may heal only through the recognition that we cannot betray our spiritual nature without paying a great price. It is not that we have a soul but that we are a soul."

What a powerful perception. I have thought for a long time we have trivialized the whole concept of stress, especially with the "manage your stress" mantra. I keep saying that going to a class to learn how to manage your stress is like going to a class to learn how to be organized with your misery. We need to rethink our approach not just to stress but to life itself. I agree with Remen. Stress is more than just stuff out there. It is deep and it is profound. And it isn't about turning into a fundamentalist "whatever". I hate that we seem to get stuck in the idea of either/or. I don't believe reconnecting to our soul means we have to believe any particular religious dogma. If it helps fine, but it isn't necessary in my opinion.  And we can talk about psychological things and behavioral things we can do to help us with our stress. I do that all the time and I think they can be helpful. But if that is all we do and we neglect our spirit, our soul, we are like a technically great concert pianist who just doesn't seem to "get it" on the deeper level.

I think what we need to do is put the fragments back together. We are a soul that has splintered.We are Humpty-Dumpty and we are looking for "all the kings' men" - the superficial cures - often cloaked in psychological and religious terms to put us back together again. We seem reluctant to do the work ourselves. This work, I believe should be on rediscovering our integrity. Most of us think of integrity in relationship to the idea of being an honest person. But there is a much deeper meaning. Integrity refers to a wholeness. It is about being whole, of putting our pieces together, of being honest and true to ourselves.

Feeling tense, harried, put upon etc. is not what stress is - at least the stress that I, and I believe Remen are talking about.  It is about being fragmented and not knowing which way to go. Because we are fragmented we have lost our way. And what makes it worse is that there a lot of people out there who will tell you they know the way - - for sure - - no doubt about it. You don't have to think anymore or explore. Just follow like sheep. In fact if someone gives you suggestions and they begin with "Just". . . start running away - Just stay positive. Just let go and let God. Just believe in yourself. You don't have to turn into little Sigmund Freuds, but you have to be willing to get involved in your life. And getting involved is more than a "just." You have to be willing to experience your life. You have to be willing to be open so that you can experience your life. Someone once said that the most important thing we can do is wake up. Perhaps waking up will help us put our soul together again. Perhaps.

In the Twinkle of an Eye

(Click title to see song)

Unfortunately the concept of bigger and bigger has messed us up in a variety of ways. One is the thought that to make a real difference in the world we have to do something huge. We have to cure cancer or figure out some incredible scientific mystery. There needs to be major network coverage of whatever it is we are doing and a lot of face time for us on TV or the internet. Somewhere along the way we have forgotten that we can make a difference with a look, a touch, a smile. We have forgotten the idea of how change works. It happens suddenly. Don Juan in the Carlos Castaneda series told Carlos that all change happens quickly. You might prepare for it over a long stretch of time but the change is quick. Carlos argued that by preparing yourself you are already changing. Don Juan didn't agree. The catalyst for the change could be anything. 

This takes us back to the word awareness. Gurdjieff said that awareness was everything. If we are unaware of what is happening outside and/or inside of us we could be missing a lot of potential catalysts. We are looking for the fireworks. We are looking for the "soul mate." We then miss the single match or the kind person because we define them in terms of what they are not. As the song says, "If you don't know what you're doing life can be your undoing." To participate in life means that you pay attention. If you pay attention be ready for change to happen in the twinkle of an eye. Someone might heal you with a word or a touch. Someone might bring you back from the edge with a smile. But you must be ready for it so the hands of life can pour it. Being ready means being aware and being open to being moved. You can fight off anything if you fight hard enough and that includes good things. 

Even if someone opens a path for you through a word or touch you still have to take it. You can walk away. People do it all the time. But if you're open and curious and adventurous your life might be radically different an hour from now than what it is now. 

In the twinkle of an eye life can change. 

Persistence

Persistence (is a friend of mine)

(click on title to see video)

One of the most important things that kids and in fact all of us need to learn is the importance of persistence on a variety of levels. In this song I try to paint persistence as a friend, someone who sticks around when everyone else leaves and someone who believes in us and encourages us to not quit. Most people become discouraged from time to time. Sometimes that discouragement can be crippling. When that happens, when we seem to be failing or when things seem to be going against us we need more than a slogan or a platitude. We need a friend. We need someone who reminds us that we can succeed and that we have what it takes. 

Obviously a real “flesh and bone” friend would be a real advantage but sometimes we don’t feel that we have one or that our friends are the people letting us down or that we don’t want to bother them. Now obviously not asking for help when we need it is a strategy that has a lot of problems. However when a person has been burned in the past, maybe they asked for help and got rejected, it can be tough to go back to that well. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t reach out again. I am saying that having that ongoing friend, persistence, that is really working from the inside out and that won’t reject us, can get us over a hump or get us through a tough stretch. Ultimately this persistence is our belief in ourselves. It is our guide. It isn’t just about being stubborn. Persistence becomes a strength and type of wisdom. 

In the wisdom vein, persistence helps us discern the difference between futilely continuing on a path that isn’t working and understanding what might be the problem. Persistence is about the small mid-course corrections that might be needed as well as just “keeping on keeping on.” Persistence becomes that small voice that also reminds us that the day is getting short and that we need to find the right trail and get on it. It reminds us when we start to beat up ourselves or when we want to blame others for stopping us that that type of thinking will not help us reach our goal. Most people have heard that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Persistence, this friend of ours, helps us avoid that trap. It encourages us to make the changes we need to make so that our journey is a successful one. 

From the strength perspective, persistence is like a muscle. The less we use it the weaker it gets. The more we use it the better developed it gets. All of us, kids and adults, need to have little projects where we might not be totally excited about the project or where it might be difficult but we continue on it until it is done. A few success stories, and by success I don’t necessarily mean winning but rather just finishing or completing something helps us see that persistence is an important muscle. We do feel stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually when we know we hung in there. We took part. We committed to the task. In many ways persistence is a self-worth muscle. When we finish something that was difficult to do, or when we overcome something that was knocking us down we feel good about ourselves. We tap into something deep inside of ourselves. We feel more self-reliant and yet we can ask for help because persistence reminds us that asking for help can be just one more strategy for getting the job done.

A time for being there

There have been so many pundits talking about how this economic crisis has forced us to live within our means. Perhaps that is true, at least for the ones who got shafted by the crisis as opposed to the ones who brought it about. However I think there is a greater message coming out of this crisis. That message is - We need to be there for each other. Maybe it's about money. Maybe it's about emotional support. I don't know. But we need to pay attention to the suffering. We need to ask for help whatever that might mean. We need to be willing to give help. In fact we might be doing both at once. The rugged individualist needs to get parked on the side of the road. Bill Moyers once said that the old saw of "Live and let live" should be "Live and help live." Maybe it's just listening. Maybe it's challenging someone to look at their situation in a different way. Maybe it's a hug. Somewhere along the way we have lost something. A sense of community is missing. You hear people saying all the time that neighborhoods used to be where everybody knew each other. Now hardly anybody knows each other. I'm a facebook and twitter user but I do believe there is a danger there that we become more isolated. Rollo May the noted existential psychotherapist commented on television itself that it was actually reinforcing isolation. It was bringing Johnny Carson into people's homes every night but no one really knew them. It was a strange one way relationship. 

We need to take the time to listen. We need to be interested enough to interact. This doesn't mean we have to sit through endless complaining sessions from people. The trick is to separate the general complaining and whining from the hurt and scrambling and desperation that is everywhere. We hear the numbers every day. But numbers are abstract. Ram Dass said we love to make the concrete abstract because that allows us to not really engage the situation. 

Be there for each other. 

Possibility

Possibility

With all the articles and books and coaches and gurus out there I think one thing is overlooked - the importance of people being able to see the possibility of what can be. This might be the possibility of what they can do or what they can become or how they can be different than they are now. I worked in substance abuse for years. There are no people that I respect more than recovering people. It is incredibly difficult on so many levels. And what has to happen, at the beginning of this whole process of change while the person is still struggling with the alcohol or other drug induced hazes, is that the person has to see, if even for a second, the possibility that it can be different. They have to see the possibility that they can be different. It might not take root right away but it starts somewhere. 

To see that little flicker of a flame and keep it alive through incredible hardships most of which they brought on themselves and inflicted on their loved ones is an amazing feat. It gives truth to the possibility that we can change. Sometimes that belief in possibility comes because we see someone else doing it. The beauty of AA rests in that fact. People see that sobriety is not a pipe dream. They hear stories from people who were a mess. They get support from people that just awhile ago were totally screwed up. 

In terms of business success, possibility has to be developed and nurtured. A person sees something that they can do that can make a difference and that people will want and appreciate. Obviously a lot of work has to come after the awareness of possibility, but without the possibility all the work in the world won’t make a difference. That’s why people beginning businesses have to have business plans. It makes them focus the possibility and minimizes the chance that possibility will get lost in the vagueness of what is trying to be accomplished. Somebody who is trying to get sober doesn’t muddy the water with trying to learn the piano. They are focused. 

On a personal level, possibility, I believe, is at the deepest core of who we are. I think it is there for everyone but we have to be open to acknowledge it. Sometimes it is almost beaten out of us as we grow up. “You’ll never amount to anything.” “Face it. You’re a loser.” “I always mess things up.”  “This economy is too messed up, and that business idea will never work.” If we eliminate possibility we kill our spirit.

To make possibility come alive we have to notice and nurture our strengths. If all we notice are our shortcomings that’s all we notice! There’s obviously nothing wrong with improving areas that need improving, but we have to acknowledge our strengths. These strengths can run the gamut from good with numbers to kind. I’m not talking sainthood. I’m talking strengths. If someone like many of the recovering people I worked with can find that possibility inside of them when those strengths are well hidden, any of us can do it. 

Again I don’t care where your strength and your insight comes from. If you call it God, great,the Universe, great, a powerful psychological streak, great. Just find it. And don’t tell me it’s not possible.

Rise Above

Rise Above

(click underlined title to see video)

When I use the phrase “rise above,” I am not talking about feeling superior to someone else. I am talking about the importance of not just following the crowd and going along with things because that’s the way it always has been. As in many of the things I am speaking on these issues are important for young people and older adults. But this song is about more than just “don’t follow the crowd.”

This is about light, song, passion, a willingness to get involved and to make a difference. The first two lines are “Long the night when the light is gone. Dark the heart when there is no song.” If we lose our light we lose our way. That light is our life force. It is our engine as well as our beacon. You can find the rejoinder everywhere from the Bible to the latest pop song to let your light or spirit shine. Our lights are not just for ourselves. We help light each other’s way. I don’t have to save the world. I have to be alive and fill the world with my light. As I look for my truth and passion and the beauty around me I help others in their search.

The same goes for the idea of needing a song in our heart or soul. If there is no music there is a barren emptiness. Silence itself, if the heart is alive, rings with a type of music. There is a harmony with existence itself. Whether or not you believe in God there is a sense of connection. There is a recognition of the mystery, or perhaps more appropriately the Mystery. 

The third line is , “Empty, a life that only takes.” Right now we are caught in a very difficult financial time. Many people are getting slammed with difficulties. As weird as it sounds I truly believe the way through this is by giving. It might actually mean giving a small amount of money to a cause you believe in or to someone worse off than you. It might be giving time or attention or some type of emotional support. I saw this quote that I love. Need is a vessel to be filled. Lack is a state of mind that cannot be filled. If you see your abundance even when there are needs, you can keep giving. That act of giving is rising above. When we’re afraid it’s natural to hunker down and keep everything close at hand. The person who is still thinking in a giving mode is rising above that way of thinking. 

Later on in the song is the phrase “Grab this life with its laughs and tears. Love this life with a love that is fierce.” I think we need to grab onto life. If we see life as this vale of tears it distorts the whole process of living. When you grab something it implies you really want it. It’s important. You don’t want to miss it. And then loving life with a fierceness also shows a sense of diving in and being involved. Fierceness suggests passion. People who are passionate and care are not intimidated by setbacks. They relish the interaction. There is a constant sense of adventure even when things aren’t going well. 

The coward’s highway is the easy way. It might not seem easy sometimes if it is filled with misery. But I believe we stay with misery and fear for so long because it is easier than actually doing something to move on. We have to trust in love and our heart and whatever you want to call it - God, the Universe, The Great Spirit, The Mystery. Vaclev Havel who was the first Prime Minister of Czechoslovakia said that he wasn’t an optimist because he didn’t think that everything always works out and that he wasn’t a pessimist because he didn’t think that everything never works out. He just carried hope in his heart. Hope isn’t “I hope I win the lottery.” Hope is deeper and richer and more mysterious. It links in to the deepest part of us and life in general. Anne Frank is a perfect example of hope, not just in her personal survival, but in life in general, continuing on during a time when it could have been very easy to give up that hope. Nelson Mandela is another incredible example. He rose above hate and retribution. 

We need each other to help us rise above. We need to be there for each other.

Clear Your Mind - Claim Your Mind

Clear Your Mind - Claim Your Mind

Claim Your Mind

(click underlined title to see video)

It is amazing how much and how often we give our mind away to other people, situations, and even inanimate objects. We do it so much we don’t even notice it. People proclaim proudly how they are in charge of their lives and then just as quickly blame someone for ruining their day. We wait for people or situations to make us happy and we blame people and situations for making us mad.

When we worry, whether it’s about money or popularity or love or whatever, we are giving our minds away. We are saying that those things control us. This is not just some abstract argument. This way of thinking affects us every day. The more we claim our minds, the more we live a life with power. Claiming  your mind means accepting responsibility for your life. An immediate reaction to some event does not mean that we have to keep that reaction. Giving your mind away can lead to interesting relationships. For example, bullies are always giving their mind away to some hypothesized person who will see them as important. They have to show overt power so that others will respect them and fear them. They need that reaction.  Bullies’ victims are giving their minds away to the bully. They live in fear. They think about the bullies even when they’re not around them. The bystanders worry about rocking the boat. They give their mind away to the concept of security. “Why make trouble?” That question has led to tyrants taking power. 

People utilize guilt all the time because they know it works. People who do not claim their mind are susceptible to guilt. “Don’t worry about me. You have a good time.” “ A good friend would do this.” “A good son never disagrees.” We buy certain messages because the main message that is sold is we are not in charge of our minds. Our minds are not our minds. Other people control them. 

As soon as we realize that things don’t have to be that way we are free. The truth shall make you free is a powerful statement. The truth here is that we can claim our mind at any time. When we do we will get a lot of resistance. When we break from the norm. When we don’t go along with the crowd. When we disagree with our friends or our groups that we belong to, be ready to be attacked. Many people and many groups want their friends and their members to have total allegiance. No breaks at all. They want to own your mind. It’s your mind in exchange for their friendship or the membership into their little group. 

Do you think there never was at least one person who belonged to an all white country club that might not have agreed with that policy but didn’t want to risk being ostracized? How about the person who sees something unethical or even illegal being done and just doesn’t want to get anyone mad at them. How many times have you been with a group and someone makes a racist or ethnic joke and you think it is tasteless but don’t say anything? Claiming your mind means becoming a true human being.

Going Back to School Time Blues

Going Back to School Time Blues

(click underlined title to see video)

The Going Back to School Time Blues is for kids and adults.  It's a metaphor about getting back to the "grind" as so many people call it. It could be called the Going Back to Work Time Blues or the Monday Morning Blues. Let’s face it. It’s not surprising to find a lot of kids and adults not that excited to get up and go to school or work. There can be a variety of reasons for this. In the school area, some kids feel so far behind academically that they might as well be in a foreign country going to school. Some kids hate going to school because they are the victims of the bullies. Every day is like a torture test. Some kids are bored - the classes are actually too easy for them. A lot of kids don’t know what the point is. Why do they have to learn fractions or study Shakespeare etc. Many adults just see their jobs as just a money supplier. They don't like what they do. They feel trapped. They don't like their bosses or co-workers. They know exactly how long it is until they retire. 

The point of this song and article is not to tell people they shouldn’t feel the way they do. Telling someone they shouldn’t feel a certain way is dumb. Parents love to do that. The seven year old says, “I want an ice cream cone.” The mother says, “No you don’t.” The kid is thinking, "I”m pretty sure I want it. I might not get it, but I’m pretty sure I want it." What I am trying to do is give choices to kids and adults on not only how they can feel but how they can think and behave. I am also trying to raise their awareness of choices they have that they might not even be acknowledging. For example I say that there is not only the choice to go to school or work or not. It is critical to look at how they go to school or work. If we go feeling like a victim with a lot of anger and bitterness or resignation we ruin our day. 

What we should be doing is figuring out ways to make things better. Obviously an adult can at least entertain the idea of finding a new job. That might not be easy,especially now, but it’s at least a possibility. Most kids don’t have that choice. But let’s assume for the moment that neither the adult nor the kid can leave where they are in the near future. Are they doomed? No they are not. But what they have to be careful of are the things they choose to relieve the misery. A lot of people develop strategies to cope that often are not good. We complain a lot. Maybe we drink or do drugs. We look for fast fixes from outside of ourselves. These strategies become major habits for many people and I think it gets a really big start in school. (And let’s not kid ourselves, teachers love to do those things in the teacher’s lounge.)

There’s no quick answer to this but changing things starts with the awareness that you are not helpless in terms of the quality of your day. Get other habits going that raise your spirits, challenge your mind and test your body. If the people you are hanging out with are constantly miserable don’t hang out with them. If you're a kid, talk to someone like a teacher or counselor or your parent(s). If you're an adult maybe you need a counselor or a clergy or maybe a good friend to talk to. Get involved in activities that have some interest. Figure out little things you can do that lift your spirits. Maybe you might have a favorite poem or piece of literature or a few quotes. Maybe you can listen to a piece of music for a couple of minutes. Don’t just say that there is nothing you can do. 

Parents, encourage your kids to get involved and be a model by being involved. Don’t be dissuaded at the first, “That’s stupid!” One activity might be enough to keep somebody involved in something positive and out of something negative or maybe help them raise their self worth. My kids did both basketball and theater as well as the band. They were busy but they responded to the challenge. Bored people are asking for trouble. 

There’s a line in the song where it says, "The only real problem is that I’ve been such a fool.” It’s not that the person is really a fool but rather that we think and behave foolishly. 

Break the patterns of thoughts and behaviors. Break the relationships that pull down. Don’t be seduced by the fact that you might feel better for a little after a good whining session. It’s like a drug. It feels good for a little while and then trouble comes down the road. 

Fight for your life. Fight for the quality of your life. Get your dreams going. Find a passion. Don’t be discouraged to the point of inaction. Pick peoples' minds. Get stimulated. Challenge yourself. Ask for help. Take some risks. 

Clear Your Mind - Claim Your Mind

Clear Your Mind - Claim Your Mind

Clear Your Mind

When I used to do therapy I often would point out to clients that one of the big problems they were facing was that a bunch of issues in their lives had gummed together to make this big blob from which they could not get a clear picture of what was happening and what was needed.  Everything had melted together. Our job, I would say, was to pull the strands out and separate them so that we could have a clear vision of what was really happening. In other words I was telling the clients they needed to clear their mind. 

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “I can’t think straight.” That’s a refection of a cluttered mind. Sometimes it isn’t that we have many issues. There might be just one issue but many facets to that issue. Perhaps we start catastrophizing about something that has happened, seeing bad things cascading out of a single event. Perhaps we start attacking ourselves because we should be handling a situation better and we think of other ways we have failed, etc. 

Sometimes it feels like there are too many choices. We start second guessing ourselves, playing the “what if” game or, if we are looking back, the “if only” game. 

We can actually paralyze ourselves, afraid of making the wrong decision. When our self esteem is low we become very dependent on the approval and praise of others. We can become desperate to gain this approval. That very feeling of desperation clouds our mind. Most people would agree that taking drugs clouds the mind. You don’t function as well doing physical demands as you would not being under the influence. When we’re constantly needy, or desperate, or angry or scared it is like being under the influence of a drug. The drugs cloud the mind which makes it difficult to get off of the drugs. When you’re desperate, the desperation clouds the mind which makes it tough to stop being desperate.

In some ways there are no easy answers to this situation. Psychological therapies have been developed just to deal with this issue. However one can also make the case that clearing your mind is not as hard as we make it. Perhaps the issue should be framed as one in which we quit cluttering our mind. In other words desperation isn’t something from the outside but rather something we are creating ourselves and placing it in our minds and spirits. We need to break our patterns; our thinking patterns, our emotional patterns, and our behavior patterns. We need to focus on what matters to us, what our strengths are, what our resources are - including people, what we can do for others, and what we need to stop doing. Being angry or scared or frustrated isn’t evil. But staying there is destructive. 

We need to construct pictures in our mind that allow us to take control of our lives and clear our minds. When I hear the phrase, “So and so is driving me crazy,” I always respond, “Why is he driving you anywhere? It’s your car! Take back your keys.” I like the image. I’m not saying it’s always easy but it’s a clear picture - something that is doable. 

In the construct of clearing your mind less is better. Get priorities straight. Get timelines straight. If you start thinking  such and such could happen, figure out when. How much time do you have? Are there other things you can focus on between now and that future time that might change the outcome. 

Every morning, if you are serious about clearing your mind, start off the day with the question, “What can I do to make today a good day.” That isn’t, “What has to happen to me to make it a good day.” It’s what can I do. That clears the mind. I can do something. Maybe it won’t work but it’s something. Doing, moving, advancing clears the way. Inertia is incredibly tough to beat. If you allow it, it will feed you with poison. 

Read about people who have overcome incredible setbacks and what they did to get through and over those setbacks. Oftentimes we reduce their wisdom to a quote or a platitude. Even if the quote is powerful and reflects their sentiment, you must not forget the sweat that went into making it happen. You can’t just talk about the windshield being dirty. At some point you have to clean it off. 

Courage - Thoughts for parents and kids

Most people who are out there writing and talking about living your life forget to mention the quality of courage. Courage is critical in so many ways. It takes courage to try new ways and take new directions. It takes courage to speak up and go against the grain. e.e. cummings said "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you everybody else,means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting." When people see you in a certain way and define you in a certain way and then you decide you don't want to go along with that definition you can pretty well count on getting flack. People get used to "good old you." When there are patterns of behavior that people are doing that almost everyone is just going along with and you decide not to go along there will be trouble. When everybody is trashing a teacher or a boss and you disagree, count on getting heat. 

It's important that parents encourage kids to speak up even if it's against them. Obviously how they do it is important. As the old saying goes you can disagree without being disagreeable. If someone is seen as "always agreeable," "never makes waves," "always likes to get along," they probably lack some courage. The key words there are always and never. If you always go along and never disagree something is wrong. I'm not encouraging disagreement just for the sake of it. I am encouraging noticing little ways where you can practice making a point, challenging an assumption, taking an unpopular position. 

In the whole issue of bullying, one key element involves kids who stand by and let it happen. This is also an adult issue. People who refuse to stand up against inappropriate and maybe illegal behavior are abetting it. If kids aren't encouraged to practice courage, the odds are they won't have much of it when they need it as a young person or when they get older. Peer pressure is always used as a reason for kids getting into trouble. Peer pressure is meaningless to someone who, first believes in himself or herself (a topic we will explore later), and second has the courage to walk away or do whatever is appropriate for the situation. 

As mentioned above, how to disagree or stand up against a position or a person is almost as critical as standing up. If kids don't practice the process of courage they will probably be inappropriate if and when they do exhibit the courage. Being sarcastic or rude - yelling, swearing, intimidating are techniques exhibited by people who either don't know any better or who have had success doing them. 

Parents, it's extremely important that you don't confuse disagreement in and of itself with inappropriateness. In fact you can use moments of disagreement as a teaching moment. You can help your kids learn how to stand up and you can reinforce the idea that disagreeing is not evil. I have consulted with companies who equate an employee who disagrees with a troublemaker. That is not an automatic tie in. 

Courage is also critical in striking out into the world. You hear all the time about the importance of having dreams. It takes courage to have dreams - to really have them and not just say the words. To go after a dream involves risk. You might not get it. Kids have to experience some let downs from time to time. We grow from our failures. Courage is like a muscle. You have to use it. Courage is not needed if there is no risk involved. If I know the outcome ahead of time why do I need courage? If I've suffered a loss and need to get up and try again then I truly need to be courageous. 

It's important to have stories available about people who exhibited different types of courage. It's important that kids realize that courage isn't always about physical courage. The more examples they see of people exhibiting courage and the more often they practice it as a young person, even for little things,  the better off they will be when they really need it.